


I Fall to Pieces

by brothersbydayloversbynight (leatherwhiskeycoffeeplaid)



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, Blood, Break Up, Character Death, Cutting, Death, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Panic, Self-Harm, Song Lyrics, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-07
Updated: 2018-04-07
Packaged: 2019-04-19 15:50:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14240640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leatherwhiskeycoffeeplaid/pseuds/brothersbydayloversbynight
Summary: Jensen has broken Jared’s heart, this is the aftermath as he falls to pieces.





	1. I Fall

_**I fall to pieces/Each time I see you again/I fall to pieces/How can I be just your friend?** _

The water was warm, sloshing gently around Jared’s naked form as he lowered himself into the tub. It’s heat slowly sinking into his frozen limps. He’d sat on the balcony of his now half empty condo, letting the winter air from Vancouver swirl around him.

He’d gone outside to try and feel something. To feel the cold and the wind as it whiped his hair around his face. Anything but the pain that was coursing through his core and out through the hole Jensen had ripped into his heart.

Jared slide farther into the large soaker tub, his massive frame easily swallowed by the custom designed bath. Sadness gripped him, his heart clenching as he squeezed his sunflower eyes shut and imagined Jensen’s face just a few days before.

It had been void of emotion, stoic and firm as he sat across from Jared on their plush white sectional. In that moment, when Jensen said he needed to talk, Jared had thought they were going to talk about where they were going to take their winter trip. Filming had wrapped and they had a couple weeks to just be alone anywhere they wanted in the world. But instead the words that fell from Jensen’s reddened lips were nothing but pure pain.

“I don’t think we should be together anymore. It’s been really hard to hide this from everyone and I just can’t do it anymore, Jare. I want us to just go back to being friends. Like we were before.”

_**You want me to act like we’ve never kissed/You want me to forget (to forget)/Pretend we’ve never met (never met)** _

At first there was shock, this announcement coming somewhere from left field and leaving Jared shell shocked.

“But last night, you didn’t say anything, you didn’t even stop me from-from begging you to fuck me. You fucked me last night and now you wanna break up with me?”

“Jared, this thing, it was never supposed to go this far. Living together and working together, dating, it was supposed to be a way to blow off steam after crap days at work.”

Shaking his head, Jared ignored the hair that fell across his cheeks as anger built in his belly. “Yeah, it was all that two years ago but it’s different now, Jen. You told me you loved me and we picked this place out together. How am I just supposed to write all this off? The last two years of our lives.”

Jensen looked down at his boot covered feet and shook his head. “I don’t know but we have to. Last night shouldn’t have happened. I should have stopped you but I lacked the willpower. I did love you, Jared and I wanted one last time for us. But it has to be over now.”

_**And I’ve tried and I’ve tried/But I haven’t yet/You walk by and I fall to pieces/I fall to pieces/Each time someone speaks your name (speaks your name)/I fall to pieces** _

Two days ago, Jensen had called them quits, and all day long today Jared had watched as Jensen boxed and bagged his things, directing friends to put them in the moving truck. Every little thing that was packed away was like a knife to Jared’s heart, stabbing at the hole and making it grow.

All afternoon it was an endless chorus of people saying Jensen’s name, asking what needed to go next, what needed to be written on the boxes or if something was his or Jared’s. Finally the pain was too much and Jared opened up the sliding glass door to the balcony.

The wind was already blowing but Jared ignored it as he sat in the white plastic deck chair he’d bought at Home Depot just after they moved in. He stared out at the city before him, elbows on the armrests as both his legs bounced erratically. It was a distraction, one that was keeping the pain safely inside his chest and not out in the open for Jensen to see.

But it only worked for so long and without realizing it, tears started blazing a trail down Jared’s strubbled cheeks and wetting his thin cotton tee. His head became heavy and fell freely into his hands, fingers tangling into his hair near the roots and tugging just enough to cause pain but not enough to tear any out. The relief was instantaneous. That small bit of physical abuse to his body lessing the searing pain racking him for the last two days.

When Jensen was finished inside, he’d ducked his head out the glass down and called Jared’s name. Without even bothering to lift his head, Jared grunted in response.

“We’re out of here. I’m sorry it’s gotta be this way.”

“Whatever,” Jared breathed, “just go.”

That had been a few hours ago before the sun had disappeared from the sky and the air temperature dropped by ten degrees. It was when Jared heard Sadie whine at the door for her dinner did he even realize it was so late.

Feeding her quickly and shivering while walking around the kitchen, Jared decided he needed a bath. Something to wash away what he was feeling, the cold and the pain.

The door to the bathroom was closed and Jared slowly let his eyes open to the light of the room, his eyes settling on the shaving razor on the ledge he’d placed there after his last shave a few days before. He hadn’t hurt himself in years, not since Jensen, not since he’d helped him get better and taught him how to love himself and be loved by someone else.

But the metal of the blade glinted in the light, staring at him and screaming at him to just do it. To break the plastic and nic at his skin. It wouldn’t be too much, just a few times across his skin and he’d feel better. The water would wash it away and everything could go back to being fine.

The blue plastic cracked under Jared’s wide thumb, letting the five blades confined within out and laying amongst the shattered navy bits. He hesitated, worrying his full bottom lip, hard, between his teeth. When the burst of copper lit up his taste buds, however, Jared was knocked out of his trance like state and grabbed the first blade.

It was small and Jared had to move it around in his fingertips so he could position it in a way that would allow the tip to pierce his flesh. When he was certain he had a good grip on it, Jared raised his legs, bending them at the knee so they would poke out of the water. Most of his thighs came into view, the old white threads of old scars under the hair an old road map of his pain from before Jensen.

Now, as he pressed the blade into his right thigh, a pinprick of blood raising to the surface, Jared started a new road map of his pain.


	2. To Pieces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jensen finds the aftermath of what Jared has done.

_**Time only adds to the flame/You tell me to find someone else to love/Someone who love me too (love me too)/The way you used to do (used to do)** _

Jensen couldn’t believe he’d forgotten the St. Christopher pendant that his mother gave him when he had left home for California. It had fallen off its chain and Jensen had put it in the drawer in the bathroom for safe keeping until he could get a new one.

He’d knocked first, he didn’t live here anymore and he figured he should ask before coming in. It was the right thing to do and he waited a minute before knocking again. After three minutes of no response, Jensen figured Jared was still outside and couldn’t hear him.

His key slide into the lock, opening the door easy and he was greeted by Sadie frantically jumping on him.

“Easy girl. What’s gotten into you?”

The dog stopped jumping and turned towards the other end of the condo, walking towards the bedroom and stopping to look back at Jensen. She barked and Jensen shook his head before following her.

“Crazy dog,” he muttered to himself.

Sadie sat in front of the closed bathroom door, whining and staring up at Jensen. The light was on and Jensen figured Jared was inside. He’d have to wait for his now ex to finish his business before he could get his metal and leave.

Time passed slowly, the dog pacing and whining, barking sharply at Jensen who sat on his side, was his side, of the bed.

“S’okay girl. What is taking him so long?”

Jensen grew irritated and knocked on the door. “Hey, Jared. You gonna be much longer? I forgot something in one of the drawers in there, just need to grab it real quick.”

There was no answer and Jensen knocked again. “Jared? Come on dude, I know you hate me right now but it really is for the best.”

Still there was no response and Jensen reached for the knob.

“Fine, you wanna act like that, fuck it. I’m coming in.”

**_But each time I go out with someone new/You walk by and I fall to pieces/You walk by and I fall to pieces_ **

The door opened easily and Jensen stepped inside, walking straight over to the counter and opening the drawer he knew he’d put the pendant in. The sound of a ragged breath to his left made him stop in his tracks.

Just on the other side of the wall was the tub and Jensen leaned back just enough to peak on the other side. The vision before him made his blood run cold.

Jared lay in the tub, the water crimson, his face deathly pale, and every breath he took was slower than the last.

“Holy fuck,” Jensen exclaimed as he rushed over to the side of the tub. “Shit, Jared, what did you do?” He reached into the water, the red around it darkening as he agitated it. His hands found Jared’s arm under the water and he pulled it up, horror coming over his face and bile rising in his throat.

Long, thick slashes ran the length of Jared’s forearm, the vein split open and oozing blood . Jensen started to panic, reaching across the tub, ignoring the stained water as it soaked into his shirt and grabbed for Jared’s other arm. It too was cut open and tears started burning in his eyes.

“Damn it, Jared.” Looking around Jensen saw the towels they used for showering, letting go of Jared long enough to grab the makeshift bandages. “Hold on, Jared. Do not die on me.” He pressed the white fabric to each arm, letting go long enough to grab his phone from his front pants pocket.

He pressed the emergency call button and pressed speaker before laying the phone on the floor and going back to putting pressure on the wounds.

The 911 operator answered and Jensen yelled for an ambulance, rattling off the address before saying, “my boyfriend tried to kill himself. Oh god, there’s so much blood.” Jensen begged for help to come, his eyes glued to Jared’s face as the operator reassured him help was on the way.

A weak smile pulled at the corners of Jared’s gray lips. “You called me your boyfriend,” his words were no more than a whisper and Jensen choked on a sob.

“Yeah, I did. You gotta hold on for me, man. Do not give up yet.”

Jared blinked slowly, trying to wet his dry lips and failing. “I’m okay, Jens. I’m fine.”

Tears streamed down Jensen’s cheeks as he shook his head. “You aren’t okay. Why did you do this, Jared? Why?”

“Wanted to feel something. Then didn’t want to feel at all.”

“Oh, baby, no. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, baby. I shouldn’t have left. I’m so stupid. I loved you so much that I didn’t know what to do. I thought getting distance between us would fix it and I’d figure out what to do.”

Jared’s eyes drifted closed. “It’s okay, you don’t have to say that.”

“I’m not just saying it. I love you, Jared.” His eyes remained closed and Jensen’s heart pounded in his chest as he watched Jared’s breathing slow even more. “Hey, no! Jared! Wake up, damn it. You aren’t dying today. I won’t let you.” Jensen squeezed both his hands, making pain radiate through Jared’s body but making more red soak the white.

Jared blinked but his eyes were heavy, most of the light behind them already gone, lost in the water. “I’m scared, Jensen. I didn’t mean to do this.”

“I know, baby, I know.”Jensen started to pray, begging God to let help get there before Jared bleed out completely. “Stay with me, Jare. I need you. I love you.”

Every breath was a struggle and Jared was starting to give up. “Love you too. I can’t, Jen, I can’t….”

“Shh, it’s okay. Someone will be here soon and it’s all gonna be fine.”

Jared nodded weakly. “Jensen?”

“Yeah, Jared? What is it? I’m here.”

“Kiss me, please?”

There was no hesitation, Jensen leaned up on his knees, pressing his plush pink lips to Jared’s cold gray ones. His nose squished against Jared’s and their foreheads touched as Jensen put all the love he had behind the kiss.

Jared didn’t return the kiss, his mouth going slack as his body did too, his last breath puffing out against Jensen’s face.

A scream of anguish echoed off the tiled walls as Jensen sat back. “No! Jared! No! Wake up! Jared, you asshole! Wake up! You can’t do this!”

Heavy footsteps sounded through the bathroom and Jensen sobbed as an EMT tried getting between them.

“He’s not dead. He’s not dead. He’s not dead. Tell me he’s not dead!” Jensen was hysterical and the second paramedic pulled him away from the tub and out of the bathroom. “No! I need to be in there! He needs me! I need him! No, let me go!”

The fight in Jensen drained from him as the medic in the bathroom walked back out, blood on his gloves and a look of sympathy on his face.

“I’m sorry, he’s gone.”

The words ripped a hole in Jensen and he collapsed next to the bed they used to share, more tears than he’d ever shed in his life fell from his face. Jared was gone, dead, and there was no saving him and Jensen, he knew. He knew it was all his fault.


End file.
